So here I am thinking again. God, I hate it when that happens. What on earth is going on in my life. I think about the direction I am heading and wonder if it is the direction that I want to go. I am in the middle of a divorce. One that I started. Why? Because I was sick of living with a person who technically was living, but in reality died long ago. Funny thing is that after I started the divorce that same person woke up all of a sudden. Not that it matters, I just don't feel the same way about her anymore.. I don't feel that there will be much of a change in attitude, and if there was, it will not last long. Since starting my road to being healthy 4 years ago I have been slowly feeling different. These changes came slowly. A little at a time. I felt that these changes were good. I took on a different attitude towards life, living and everything around me. I woke in the morning with a new found love of life. Wanting to experience more and more. What I found was that my life was changing. I was not the same person I was. I started meeting new friends, friends that were positive, energetic and focused. Not like my previous life of solitude, boring, same -old stuff type of life. I guess meeting these new people made the situation at home worse. I spent more an d more time away from the old homestead and more time at events and races. I looked forward to these days. I looked less forward to going to the house. Doing nothing. Depression all around me. I don't know how things will turn out after the divorce. In some ways I am terrified of the idea. I never was a bachelor. I left home went directly into the military then directly into marriage. I don't have a problem with being alone - I kinda enjoy being by myself. It's peaceful. I get a lot done without others around. It will give me a lot of time to train next year. I want to meet other women that will enjoy the same activities that I do. I don't expect them to train with me everyday - or go to every race. but I would like them to jump in and train a little and at least enjoy themselves at races - even if they don't race themselves. I'm not a fancy guy, I like long nights at home on the couch, home cooked meals, rock concerts, sports, neatness, and a great sense of humor. Someone that works out and is proud of their body, and puts the time into it to keep it that way. If I can find someone like that - great. Until then I will just keep training - taking pride in my own body. Trying to make it the best that I can. Using what God gave me and keeping it in tip tip condition. Life is change in motion - there are more changes ahead - I know and I'm good with that. But that will not keep me from pursuing my dreams. CIAO |
